Mighty Burger....mighty bad stomach ache!

After my meeting with my brand new editor - who by the way is very nice, and hopefully likes me - I went to a tavern in Liverpool and had a few glasses of vino to celebrate. Then because I hadn't eaten all day, and I had a 4 hour train journey ahead of me - and it was the only place that was open - I did something I despise, I took fast food on a public train.

I haven't had 'real' fast food for as long as I can remember. When I say fast food, I mean the sort that's greasy, cold, soggy, and comes in a carton box, or a grease sodden supposedly grease proof bag. So, McDonald's, Burger King, KFC, Pizza Hut, Wimpy, any of those strangely popular slimy restaurants.

Every so often I get this weird urge for a mayonnaise ridden Whopper meal, a strong urge to triple my calorie intake and clog up my arteries. This usually happens when I am so hungry I cant think, or usually, very drunk. This time I was both tired and drunk - a very bad combo.

So I committed one of my greatest sins. I marched up to the Burger King counter, stared at the menu board for forever, and then order the plain whopper meal. The spotty exhausted counter girl asked me if I wanted a large, and I just gawped at her - I felt like saying 'I wont justify that question with an answer'.

As I boarded the train, carrying my greasy bundle, and medium diet Pepsi, I noticed at least 3 other people carrying large BK bags. From the moment I sat down the pungent smell filled the carriage, and I actually felt sorry for the people near me - there wasn't that many luckily.

My meal was more of a dissection than a feast. A Whopper truly is a whopping big meal. My chips were cold, tasteless and not salty enough for the amount of damage they were doing to my insides. My burger was soggy, dripping with mayo and unfortunately nice enough to keep eating.

It took me exactly 50 minutes to eat it all - and mine was a small meal. The girl across the train from me scoffed down what looked like a double whopper large meal in less than 10 minutes - remarkable and revolting. Passengers actually watched me eat - I think they wondered how long it would take - in fact I'm sure a gang of lads where actually betting on it.

All in all it was a horrible experience. I wont be doing it again anytime soon. I hate fast food, and I now know I hate Burger King. My fast food days are defiantly over - I'm too old for it, and my stomach is too weak. I'd rather have a salad any day.

So, the answer to the checkout girl, 'would I like a large?' - Would I hell!!!